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Run forward, don't look back - written on the eve of separation


The dead are like this, today is May 25, 2018. I know that the day of true farewell is coming soon.

I still believe that only words can give me a sense of security, and I know that some friends have communicated with me. I feel that the mood I have experienced may be something that some people are experiencing. I will use words to record this time. The mood in this situation is also a carrier for communication with everyone.

In the morning when the sun is scattered, it is still the usual working day. In the morning, I am waiting for the bus to go to the unit. Due to the traffic jam, sometimes I waited for 20 minutes to wait until the next day, when I went to the next day, I was blind. I watched the car drive away from me. Once, because the time was late, I gave up the traffic car. I didn’t expect it to stop at the usual parking place. Yes, I am waiting for me, at that moment, I In the heart, there is a burst of movement, Imagine, in the future, which car will wait for you in the same place? 8:30, arrived at the unit, put on the overalls, then turned on the computer, started the morning squatting, tapping the keyboard, handling all kinds of materials (making my cervical pain), also going to the warehouse to see, go On-site supervision, occasionally when you are free, you will open an article on the company's website, look at the pictures news, Fangcaoyuan and other columns to understand the dynamics of each branch and the colleagues' mentality. The morning time passed away, and went to the cafeteria for lunch. The daily dishes are always different. I will also evaluate the taste of today's dishes with my friends. Because the taste is good, I will always eat well, then I’m so disgusted to say to myself, “I’m so annoying, I eat so much every day, I still lose weight.” At five o'clock, when I got off work, I always loved the songs of the songs of the Motherland Songs that I love Beijing Tiananmen, and even The inspiring music before the flag-raising ceremony seemed to be sending us home, and I always felt that I had passed back to the 1980s. 5:07, the traffic car started on time, 5:15, arrived at the place where I got off, and then walked home. At 5:30, when I got home, I started my life after work and started doing what I like (it can be said that I am tired and full).

This is my day's life, very ordinary, ordinary to the point of no eyeballs, this is the world I came into contact with, very occluded, narrow to only two points and one line. So, I began to think about the meaning of life. The so-called, the ones that are not available are always in turmoil, and those who are favored are fearless. When I was working in a bank, I worked overtime until 9 o'clock every day. I felt that my body was not my own. The so-called tired dog, I hope that I can have a weekend, how I hope to get to work on time every day, and I hope that there will be no regular work. Now, all kinds of hopes have been realized. Such work may be envied by some people now, just like me. However, is my heart really full?

In the past, I pursued stability and pursued material wealth. In a small town, I had a stable and well-paid job. I bought a car, bought a house, renovated it, and had a deep loved one. I can meet every day. Going to work together, going out on weekends, watching a movie, going to the street, taking a few nice photos, going on a holiday to the place you want to go. I did it. This is the life I have always advocated. It is stable, comfortable, leisurely and stress-free. I thought it would be good to live like this. However, I want to continue to do this all the time. Every day in the same environment, facing the same people, doing the same thing, what is the difference between tomorrow and today, what is different next year and this year? Thinking this way, I seem to see myself thirty years later, my back, can not help but burst into a cold. This kind of life is like a cup of uninteresting boiled water, and it has no fun.

Next, I began to ask myself, what exactly is I want? However, people are always easy to blind, and when they are in it, how can they really see their hearts? In fact, I don't have an accurate answer. I don't know where I should go. Born in the tail of Leo, the beginning of Virgo, I really have the casual and free of Leo and the careful and prudent pursuit of Virgo. These two conflicting personalities are seamlessly embedded in my character. Therefore, I am a contradiction in itself, that is, the legend chooses phobia. Therefore, I hate to make multiple-choice questions, I don't want to take the initiative to choose, I am always afraid of my heart's choice of choice, and later I don't want it. Therefore, I always use the exclusion method to do the problem. Since I can't clearly know what I want to choose, I can at least know what I don't want.

In this way, my life began to rule out the law. After two years of work in state-owned enterprises, I realized that these two industries are not the ones they want to work on. There are always people who are forced by the pressure of life to choose to compromise. It seems that there is no competition for the world, and there is no desire for survival. It seems that it is not bad. Although it is impossible to place a hot soul, at least the body is no longer embarrassed. The helpless thing is that I have obsessive-compulsive disorder, I don't want to let the heart that I want to move, nowhere to put it, I don't want to go on. As far as falling in love is concerned, it is also hard to take care of. Two years ago, for love, I decided to quit my job at my hometown bank and left my hometown to come to a small town where I only knew my boyfriend. (Although I was dissatisfied with the work of the bank, but if it was not because of the remoteness, it would not be so resigned.) . At that time, I was like a lion with a high head, and I was not willing to do anything. Love can still be like this, but now, how can work and life be done!

Long Yingtai said that I hope that you will have the right to choose in the future and choose meaningful and time-based work instead of being forced to make a living. When your work makes sense in your heart, you have a sense of accomplishment. When your work gives you time and does not deprive you of your life, you have dignity. A sense of accomplishment and dignity give you happiness.

Although I don't know how to get out of this "ivory tower", I know at least, I don't know, I don't want to live this life forever. The road ahead is long, unknown, hard, and even dangerous. But if people live for only a few decades, shouldn't they go to experience and try more?

Do not take this step, how do you know the scenery ahead? Even if you hit the wall and break the blood, then what, at least for the dream, always stays in your own "well" and is self-styled. The biggest regret in life is not "I can't" but "I could have." I always thought that I would rather regret it later, and I would not regret it.

I know that although it is difficult for me to choose to give up such a "vacuum-like perfect" life and work, if I don't make this decision now, I will gradually lose my choice as I get older. Ability, life without choice, is even more desperate. At that time, if there was a dream, the dream would only become my bondage.

I always like Xu Wei’s song. I am as free as the wind, as clear as the sky.

In the interest and enthusiasm of the law (in fact, when I was in high school, I thought about going to the university to study law. At that time, my dream was still in the middle of politics. When I later reported my volunteers, because I didn’t come to guide people, when I searched for law online, it was the hardest job. When I was a professional, I gave up inexplicably. I chose a university of finance and economics. At that time, I thought that the University of Finance and Economics was the hottest at that time, and the employment was the easiest. So, life is really dramatic.) I started in the last year of the exam "the last master of the exam", prepared for five months, and finally regretted defeat with 342. Next, I started to take the postgraduate exams in the middle of last 10 years. After more than two months of hard preparations (in fact, only the last three weeks began to sprint, I think that 20 days is the hardest part of my life, when I gave up all the temptations, only one goal - admitted to the graduate school, now want to come, I am quite moved by myself at the time), and finally re-tested. In March of this year, I began to prepare for the re-examination of the incumbent, and it was a retreat after a month of sorrow. (Really, I went back to work every day. I only want to go to bed after eating. I only rely on coffee to maintain it. The acne knows what I have experienced. I successfully passed the re-examination and obtained a full-time Master of Law from a political and law school in the Southwest. In fact, when I graduated from the undergraduate course, I never thought about postgraduate study. I just wanted to work hard and earn money quickly. (At that time, I really didn't know what majors to take in the postgraduate study.) I didn't expect to work for nearly three years, and finally stumbled to find the target, not forgetting the initial heart, or taking the test, so life, not going through the experience, I really don't know what will happen next time.

After I submitted my resignation application, many people in the unit were shocked. There was support for me, and some people did not understand. Supporters feel that continuing to learn is a good thing and has a greater meaning in life. Of course, people who don't understand will have a series of question marks, “What about the house?”, “What about boyfriends?”, “When do you get married?”, “Reading is almost 30 years old, is it good to find a job?”, "Where are you going?", I know that I am also concerned about this series of questions. In my opinion, are these things important? important. But it is not the most important thing. To take a step back, it can also be taken care of.

As for the age issue, I have considered this factor before, so I am afraid of being afraid of it and I am afraid that it will be difficult to get employed. From another point of view, even if I don't study, I am almost 30 years old after three years. We can't change the age problem, but if we don't go out, as the age continues to grow, then there is no chance to pursue anything. Yes, isn't it? Other old colleagues told me that the girl has a stable income. It is necessary to focus on the family and not toss. For this kind of persuasion, I know that it is also for me. After all, this is the position of most elders for girls. When I was 18, I went to college, I was 22 years old, I was 26 years old, I was born, I had a baby, I had to have a second child (meaning fear), and then I took care of my children, my family, The old man, in the day-to-day life trivia, wiped out the original dream (I think, if I don't choose to change, I will immediately embark on this road, and there is no chance of dreaming again). But I don't accept it. I don't think that I have to be a family since I was a child. I don't need to pursue career success. (Why must a girl be a family? If men and women are really equal, then There is a problem of who cares for the family or who cares for the cause, but they can equally and actively use their love to pay for the family. I always think that this is a kind of gender discrimination. Why do boys return to study after a few years of graduation? There is a pursuit, that is, although the dream will be late, but will not be absent? And girls, only the argument that the age is too big to be suitable, the girl can't do what the boys can do. Although this has become a common problem in the whole society, we can't change anything, and what I can do is to be myself. Don't let yourself be the kind that the public should think because of these unfair voices. Girl. After all, my own life, I am the master.

As for the future, no one can guarantee it without any guarantee. Although I am still embarrassed about the employment discrimination in the future, I feel that I have no bottom, but I can only walk forward calmly. Because I am not willing to the status quo, because there is still a dream, I only have to break the boat, block the road, keep walking, do not look back.

As for the admission of this school, of course, it is not a well-known school in the country. However, in the past three years in the society, I gradually faded from the frivolity of last year, knowing what is not the best, only the most suitable. The so-called change you can't accept, accept what you can't change. Choosing to continue reading is to practice the previous sentence, and choosing the school where the home city is located is a reconciliation of oneself. Because of the location of the future employment, the distance between family and boyfriend during the study, so choose this school, this is the most suitable choice for me. I once saw a sentence in my heart, and imposed it on a limited life with infinite mind and emotion. It is destined to be a tragedy. We must learn to take the limits of life. Sometimes, it is not a more "Buddha" choice. Is this not inconsistent with the "unwilling to be"?

I don't regret that I didn't study at the time of graduation and I am going now, because I have seen my heart in three years. As for the units that have served, always have a grateful heart, life has no way to go, every experience has new gains. I am proud of having such an experience. I will be very proud to tell my new classmates that I used to work in the XX unit. The colleagues in this unit are really warm. I will also miss those colleagues who have fought side by side, and I am grateful to have such a group of people appear in my life.

Walking on the streets of the city, neon lights are shining, the world is still operating as always, bustling, hustle and bustle, people coming and going, each busy. We all grew up, not so much time and energy to care for others, and even less when we were young. Therefore, we began to take our own path in our own world. On this road full of thorns, only the inner determination and determination can give strength to ourselves.

Running forward, facing cold eyes and ridicule, the vastness of life can be seen without going through the storm.

The rest of my life is very long, I have to panic.


Still a teenager.

Yuanqi Han Han Paper: Jade

Written on May 25, 2018,

edited on 2018-05-30, the copyright belongs to the author.